If you’re wondering how to set boundaries with friends- you’re not alone. It’s something almost everyone struggles with.
Let’s go over some common reasons to set boundaries and how you can set boundaries with friends.
How to Set Boundaries with Friends: The Top Reasons
Life Happens- You’re Stressed
You need to prioritize yourself and your mental health. Sometimes it can be difficult to explain to someone that you can’t help them in the moment, but you may need to work on yourself. Sometimes you don’t have the mental bandwidth to help other people you care about when you’re underwater yourself- and that’s okay! Life happens.
Major Life Changes
Life changes and so does your schedule. You may have recently graduated, moved, started a relationship, had a child, etc. When these huge life events happen, your schedule is bound to change and you may not be able to give your friend the attention they desire.
They may not understand how this significant life event has disrupted your routine and is taking you time to adjust. If you are struggling to keep up with your friendships, here are 4 tricks to keep friendships alive on a busy schedule.
One-Sided
If you’re wondering how to set boundaries with friends and you are frustrated by the fact that your friendship feels one-sided: you’re not alone. Maybe you’re the one always reaching out, you’re the one always listening to their problems, you’re the one who pays for dinner, you’re the one who makes all the plans.
It can be hurtful when people do not meet your expectations, and you should make your boundaries clear with them. If you’re not quite sure, here are 13 signs you’re in a one-sided friendship.
Not a Safe Space
You may not be comfortable with someone bringing up sensitive issues, or just not ready to tackle that conversation at all yet. Whether it be a breakup or past trauma, you need to spend the time you need to open up and talk about it.
Differences of Opinion
If you’re someone who has friends with different political beliefs, you may avoid discussing politics to keep the peace in your friendship. But in 2022 it’s hard to completely wipe politics off the table- but setting boundaries with your friends could be important to maintaining that friendship. Here is a great article on how to communicate your boundaries while talking about politics.
Jokes Gone Too Far
This is one we have all been guilty of- being too comfortable with someone and pushing a joke too far. When you don’t see someone else’s flaws the way they do, it can be easy to forget their insecurities.
Jokes can go too far, and if you’re looking to set boundaries with friends then teasing may be at the top of your list of annoyances.
I’ll Call You Later
Some people communicate differently because we all have different preferences. Some people don’t have the time or energy to have a text conversation. Not everyone can travel for in-person hangouts.
If you’re wondering how to set boundaries with friends and you have different communication styles, you may be stressed out by how they contact you and what you must be engaged in.
You’re on Demand
You may deny a call because you’re at work, with a spouse, or have plans with someone else. You may then receive 10 calls in a row or 20 text messages. If you feel like you’re constantly on demand for someone else, the other person expects you to pick up right away.
This can damage your own schedule and make you feel responsible for someone else. You can deal with clingy friends without being rude and maintain your boundaries.
How to Set Boundaries with Friends: 6 Steps
- Don’t Ignore It
By having a conversation with your friend, you’re already taking the first step to healing your friendship. Discuss what is upsetting or annoying you and ask how they feel. By discussing how you feel before asking for a boundary, they can better understand where you are coming from and the effect it has on you.
- The Sooner The Better
Don’t ignore the problem and don’t push it off until you are ready to freak out. When you explode on someone else they won’t be as receptive to your feelings. By having a conversation as soon as you notice a problem, you can speak more calmly and rationally about what is upsetting you and how it can be fixed in the future.
If you’re looking for strategies to reduce emotional reactivity, we have 9 different ways.
- Don’t Attack Them
When you’re learning how to set boundaries with friends, you should keep in mind that how you speak to them helps determine how they react to you asking for a boundary.
Instead of saying “You’re too reliant on me, you call me constantly” try discussing how you feel instead. “I am overwhelmed with text messages and phone calls and I would love some time to relax after work”. Notice how I used an “I” statement there, instead of coming at the other person for their behavior.
- Tell Them How Much You Care
Setting a boundary, especially when it is long-term repeated behavior, can be hurtful to the other person. They may be angry at your boundary or upset you held it in for so long. Emphasize how much they mean to you and how you’re setting a boundary because you care about having them continue to be in your life.
Learning how to set boundaries with friends is not always easy, but you can always try your best to be empathetic and show kindness to those you care about while holding them to a higher standard.
- Have Consequences
By having a weak boundary, you are allowing the other person to take advantage of you. Not everyone will be receptive to your boundary and they may continue to cross it. Try being explicit and adding a consequence to show how serious you are about the boundary. Without a consequence, your boundary may just seem like a suggestion.
If your roommates don’t clean the house, tell them you will need to start looking for a new living arrangement. If your friend is constantly late to plans, tell them you will be going home after 15 minutes of waiting.
- Move On
In the last step on how to set boundaries with friends, you have to consider what happens if they don’t follow your boundaries. You may want to consider moving on from the friendship if you feel as though they do not listen to you or respect how you feel.
This can be the most painful part of setting boundaries, but is that friendship still serving you if they can’t respect your boundaries? Learn how to tell your friend you don’t want to be friends with them.
